Why Social Gatherings Are Exhausting In Grief & What Can Help

After my partner Brian died, one of the things that surprised me the most, was how much I was impacted as a social being.

Prior to Bri's death, I'd say I was fairly social. Together, we loved hosting and having people over for meals. But when he died, being social (especially in groups) became utterly exhausting. I found that afterwards I needed to recover for days. I'd replay situations over & over in my mind, working through all the triggers that had come up while I was with other people.  

I would tell myself that this all made sense. You see, my life was on a trajectory with my peers - and it took a sharp left turn, while others continued going straight. In groups, especially, this sharp left would become very apparent. I'd hear people talking about regular, mundane things. Things that either didn't apply to me anymore or worse, represented a life path that I used to be on but no longer was. Of course that would feel so hard. Of course that would hurt. 

When you're grieving, needing to unwind after socializing just makes sense. 

Here are some tools I have used to help me navigate social situations since my loss (these might be especially applicable coming up to the holiday season): ⁣⁣

• I don’t say yes to every invite. Instead, I listen to my intuition. I ask myself, "Does this feel like a strong yes?" or, "Does this feel like a situation where the old me would definitely want to do this but right now, truly, it’s just too much?⁣⁣"
• I extend compassion to myself and I lower my expectations around how much socializing I can handle.⁣⁣
• I prepare by giving myself extra love and care leading up to the social situations (even though it seems so silly to need to give myself love prior to a 6-year-olds birthday party, lol).⁣
• Afterwards, I try to clear some space in my schedule so I can do the things that nourish me back up - for example, talking on the phone with a close friend who will listen and hear me. ⁣
• In a group, if there is a particularly triggering conversation happening, I just leave that conversation and go find someone else to talk to one-on-one.⁣⁣
• I make myself useful in the kitchen or help in some other way to keep my hands busy and to escape from conversation for a while. ⁣⁣
• I go to the bathroom and I hug myself and BREATHE. ⁣⁣
• I create an exit strategy ahead of time in case I don’t want to stay late. ⁣⁣
• I leave before I reach the point of total exhaustion. ⁣⁣

I do still love being with people. And I want to maintain community. However, I have learned it’s okay if there’s nuance & balance there too. ⁣

Being with people is lovely and hard.
I truly want to do it and I sometimes need to recover afterwards.
It does get easier as time goes on and it’s okay if it’s sometimes still really hard. ⁣

If you feel this way too, know that you're not alone.