On Raising Your Children Without Your Person

The cumulative, ongoing pressure of solo parenting in the wake of a spouse’s death or complete absence, is a weight that is hard to put into words. There is such profound loneliness in raising a child alone. Decisions meant to be argued over & talked through, made silently in the night.

You learn how to expand & become two people at the same time. The breadwinner and the rule maker and the safe space and the rule breaker. It’s the work and the meals and the dishes and the tears and the paperwork and the house and the fun. It’s the years that pass, as the pressure grows - just as everyone else seem to think you’ve got this. And you do, cause you have to. But the pressure doesn’t ever go away.

There is a specific type of intimate comfort that only a parent can provide. That’s you, only you. There is a specific brand of meltdown that only a parent sees too. Yup, also all you. 😜 You lead & carry the family, without your person there to carry you. You fall apart in your own arms, while reserving them first & foremost for your child.

If you’re lucky, you have help. Those angels who decide they want to step up and be in your child’s life in a big way. Maybe your kiddo gets to develop stronger relationships with other family members & friends because there’s only you raising them. It’s such a gift. And although you’re so incredibly grateful - also, coordinating it all, organizing, feeling indebted, worrying you’re leaning on others too much, worrying your kid is away from you too much - that’s still all on you. The parent stuff.

In a world filled with loud voices from the mainstream parenting dialogue, being a solo parent is remarkably, invisibly hard. And even so, I’d be completely remiss if I finished this blog post without mentioning the love. In the absence of another parent to share it with, a solo parent’s love grows exponentially in both fierceness & depth. Holding a love meant for two, on your own - your heart expands to carry it.

The funny thing is that on the one hand, you’re devoting your life wholly to caring for another with no one there to care for you. And on the other, you absolutely need to care for yourself, because you are acutely aware that you are their literal everything - in a very specific way that partnered parents just are not. And so - slowly, you learn how to love on yourself. You have no other choice. They need you. It’s something so many people strive for - & this is the great gift that our sweet solo parent babies give us. 🖤

I spent a week alone without my daughter this holiday season, thanks to Brian’s mom. It was pretty wild. This was the very first time in seven years I’ve had a week to myself that wasn’t:

a) In very early grief, when I had one week that I barely remember to just break down (kind of)

b) A retreat or business/personal development related group experience

c) My own work to support our little family financially (for example, leading my own retreats) 

I didn’t really know what to expect but I spent a lot of my time reflecting on the experience of solo parenting, our closeness, and how much this unique & pretty invisible role has entirely shaped my past seven years - including every single decision I have made. 

I always wanted to be a Mom. I remember telling Brian within days of meeting him. It’s like I just knew it was part of my path. I don’t think I could have ever imagined the depth of impact motherhood would play in my life - especially as a solo Mom. It’s so different from parenting with a partner. Almost like they should be considered two separate things, with two separate words used to name them. 

Our relationship feels different too. For better or for worse. I’m so grateful for the honour. My soul and hers really, truly must have trusted that we could do it, so my little human self trusts too. ✨

Mostly, I just hope Brian is proud of me. He was such an intentional parent and being a Dad meant more to him than anything else. 

I have lots more to say, but I’ll leave it here for now. Let me know if these words feel relatable. It’s a hard one to get right using language. 🫶

Sending out love. 💗