Well, It's 2024... Now What?

Well, we did it.

We got through the holidays.

We got through New Year's Eve.

We got through New Year's Day.

We did it.

And now...what? 

It's 2024. Another year.

Some of us may be relieved to be leaving 2023 behind. Some of us may be entering 2024 apprehensively, not wanting to open ourselves up to this new energy without the person who we have lost. 

Wherever you land, it's okay. There is no right and wrong in grief. There is no playbook for tragedy. 

What is important, is that we made it through.

Can we collectively take a moment to close our eyes and exhale? To allow the pressure of the holidays to wash over us, through us, and out? To really let it flow? 

Because grief work is slow, deep, inner work and we live in a go-go-go external, goal-based society, it is easy to ignore or disregard the immense accomplishment that is simply getting through this season after losing someone we can't live without. 

Especially in the early years after Brian died, I wish someone had looked me in the eyes after the holidays and said, "I know you had no other choice, but it's incredible that you made it through." Because it was. And it still is. 

The thing about the new year, is that there is an energy of freshness to it. It's that, "You can start all over again!" mentality.

But when we've lost so much already, when our lives have already been decimated, it can feel overwhelming to add on that new year pressure. 

Grief is already naturally, inherently a 24/7 constant process of disintegration and rebuilding.

We don't need the turning of a calendar page to pressure us to recreate anything on any specific day. We are already deep in the weeds of figuring out how to exist after everything has fallen apart. 

As time has ticked onward for me, as I've tried and made mistakes, and sat with my grief, and ignored my grief, and cried, and numbed, and moved, and been immobile - what I have learned is that things do shift. 

I do not feel, here at the beginning of 2024, as I did at the beginning of 2020, my first new year's after Brian died. 

This year, I sincerely created intentions for 2024. I journaled on real, actual things I am grateful for, even though he is still dead. And this is a small miracle I in no way take lightly. 

Getting here was a process. And I have lost so much more than my partner along the way. 

And I welcome 2024, all the same. 

Wherever you are, tonight, this week, this month, this year, it's okay. 

Thursday, January 11th, is the first new moon of the year. I plan on lighting a candle and moving my body, allowing in whatever it meant for me this year. 

Grief requires patience, my love. 

And that isn't easy. Not that any of this is.

But I promise you, it's worth it.