Five "Weird" Things That Happened to Me In The First Six Months
Jan 14, 2023
The early days of loss are wild, aren't they?
Back in my "before", if you'd asked me what I'd do and how I'd act if Brian were to die, I would have never guessed any of this. But alas, as we all now know, profound and traumatic loss is surprising. And it can make us act in unexpected ways.
So here I am, normalizing the experience.
During the first six months after the love of my life died...
- I spoke at his funeral without crying.
- I felt like I was invincible, like if I walked out into a busy street, the cars would just stop for me.
- I went on a date and let another man kiss me.
- I took my three-year-old on two planes, a bus, and a boat to a tiny island by the sea on my own AND on a back-country canoe trip (which included portaging)
- I became completely anti-social and only spoke to a few very close people.
It’s only now, years later looking back that I can see how strange all of this probably seemed to those outside of me.
Before going through something this profound and traumatic, who knows what sorts of judgements I myself might have had.
People expect something when you go through a loss: Namely, tears and sadness for approximately a year followed by a return to normal.
And the truth of my experience couldn’t be farther from this judgement!
Shock my friends, is a powerful thing. My husband’s death was a complete and utter shock to me.
Shock meant…
That I cried non-stop, except while I delivered his eulogy in front of hundreds of people.
That I felt like I was covered in bubble wrap and could do almost anything at all, without consequences or danger.
That I expected I’d fall in love again easily, because my husband would find the perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with (the reality has been verrrrrry different and I had a full on trauma response after that first kiss).
While I think many people assumed I’d turn towards my super supportive family and community, the opposite was true for me. I turned inward, I started seeking out novelty - new friends, new experiences, new places. Anything old reminded me too much of his absence.
I hated being around the people I was used to being around with him by my side. It hurt too much.
I can see on the outside how much all of this may seem strange to you if you haven’t been through something this traumatic. And I don’t blame you. It’s hard to understand if you just don’t know.
But I hope that by sharing I can start to open up a dialogue about all of this. Traumatic loss will rock you to your core and impact your life in so many surprising ways.
If you’ve been through a traumatic loss, what surprised you about how you expressed your grief?
(Photo by Sarah Bell Photography)
